This is an example of someone that will never work for TattooFinder.com, as much as he really wants to. :)
My Dearest Sir,
I am writing to broach of the topic to which you intended me to read. I have read your posting and believe that I am the man for your job. You see, I am unemployed and have been so for quite some time. Therefore, my needs fit your needs. Please look below for and at my qualifications:
Applicants will demonstrate a competency in the variety of skills needed for the production of scalable database-driven websites under an existing development framework, including but not limited to:
I am competent at scaling existing frameworks while developing websites that are driven by data. Even more so, I am not even limited to the following -
- Strong PHP 5 development skills, including a familiarity with object-oriented PHP programming
I am stronger than even the strongest Pimp. Once I was becoming familiar with this girl, and her Pimp was all, "You touch...you pay." So I kicked his ass. Oh, wait a minute... that's not "Pimp..." its PHP. What the f&%k is PHP. (Note to self, re-write this section - DON"T FORGET!)
- A strong knowledge of the MySQL database system
I really don't know that much about Your SQL database. I think its really not fair to use a question like this to determine if you're going to hire someone. I've never met you before.
- A strong, demonstrated knowledge of HTML, CSS, etc.
I haven't really used HTML all that much, but I can tell you what happened in almost any episode of CSS. I'm most well versed in CSS Miami, but am familiar with the other CSS locations as well. I usually solve the murder before the guys in the show...
- A familiarity with the CVS and/or Subversion version control systems
I spend TONS of time in CVS. They have one of those blood pressure cuffs in the back by the pharmacy. Do you guys offer health insurance? No particular reason. But, would it cover antidepressants?
- A familiarity with the configuration of LAMP web servers
You guys are working on lamps that surf the internet. AWESOME!
- Good self-motivation and the ability to work under a deadline
Well, honestly I struggle sometimes under pressure. There was this one time my boss was like, "Hurry the f$%k up and get those burgers out!" and I was like, "Listen you fat-assed pig, I'm going as fast as I can!" But in the end I cooked the burgers just fine. He said the fries were soggy but f$%k him.
Additional desirable qualities for applicants include:
- An understanding of the challenges involved in building scalable, high-volume websites and systems
This is a trick question to make sure I was paying attention to the beginning because I already talked about the scales thing. BONUS POINTS!!!!!
- A creative and informed approach to their work - always thinking of better ways, always keeping their eyes and ears out for new technologies and ideas and other things that can better help the project
I'm like a cheetah, or a ninja. I am always looking around with my eyes. Not creepy, but stealthy... like a cat. A black cat, with emerald green eyes.
- A knowledge of Macromedia Flash / Flex
There's nothing macro about me... I flex BIG! Ha ha ha. Not really. I'm actually really pretty heavy. I have swollen ankles but I think that's because I eat a lot of salty foods. Do you guys provide snacks?
- A familiarity with the Symfony Web PHP Framework
Symphony? I think that's a type of candy bar isn't it?
I'll look forward to hearing back from you to hear what your reply is. I trust that you will be impressed with me. Let me know if you want me to send you a picture of me.